I quit UPS today, I didn't like it. It's cool though. It didn't pay well enough, I didn't like the hours. I'm starting to wonder what I want to focus my life on at the present. Do I want to go on a mad rush into college before I'm even sure what I want to do? I dunno if I want a career, maybe I just want computer certifications and repair computers for a living, I dunno. But I'm not going to start something I might not finish. I think that would be a bad and hasty decision. Alot of my friends finished a year at a university and are suddenly not so sure if they wanna go at it for another 3, it makes me think.
20 Hours a week wasn't doing it. So I'm going to get a better job, who gives a shit if UPS will pay 100% of college tuition. I'm going to stockpile money. I'm going to save a couple thousand dollars, and then do something profound with my life. I don't want to juggle work school and bills, so I'm not going to. I'll do one at a time.
I like that I have the will to do whatever I feel, it's part of what defines me. Some are deeply afraid of the unknown, but I welcome it. Whatever I decide on will ultimately make my life better, because it is exactly what I want.
Yes I'm still here, in case anyone was wondering. I've been busy with work, I got a job at UPS. I'm just now getting the hang of my schedule. Basically I wake up between 6pm-9pm and fall back asleep at 6am-9am. I work night shift, because I'm a night owl, and I like to see the sunrise. On the weekends I try to be more available at normal human hours, so hit me up people :).
I'm getting back into programming, it feels good to make my brain work. I can't wait to start HACC in the fall. I will probably get my GED in the next two weeks, f'real this time :D. UPS will pay for all my HACC tuition, which is super. Soooo yeah.
I'm gonna go eat food because moving boxes makes you hungry :)
Fairie fest was pretty cool. I tried to talk to everyone, it was alot of work. I may have even missed some. But thats just what happens.
I've noticed something about my sociality, I fly solo, pretty much. I don't stick to a group for too long. I don't really like the same people all the time, not that you all aren't awesome. Nate is now gone for the Air Force, the only dude I ever considered my brother from another mother. Anyways one day we will meet again, and it will be glorious! to the max....
But for now all that is on my mind is blues guitar.
I'm going to hacc, as soon as possible, I'll probably do two classes over this summer then switch to full time in the fall. International Studies, I think it will be alot of fun.
Now that I'm home, I feel differently. Another chapter completed, though really the prologue is just beginning. I'm about to dedicate myself to something. School, it's time to get it out of the way. I also plan to go sober for at leasI the next 8 months, a decision I may not feel completely yet. I want to learn French, so I am. I want to have a good job, so I will. I want alot of things and I've decided that I'm just going to get it done. I want more to show in my life than pictures of foreign places, stories from another land. Life I believe is more than just memories.
With that, I give you the last 22 days, in picture form, in no particular order...
Well, here I am at home, it's nice to be back. I'll be uploading lots of pictures when Nate makes it over here for you all to see. New York city was amazing, Quebec city was amazing, Montreal was amazing.
I am in French Canada right now as I type this to you, Im staying in the home of two beautiful French Canadian women, one who I must say I have taken quite a liking to, and vice versa. Cindy, She can barely speak more than a few sentences to me, but the international language is working its magic here, she is beautiful! Anyways, I just thought Id update you all. I will try to get some pictures of the girls up on LJ as soon as possible. Things could not be going any better, I honestly couldnt dream up a better dream. Ill be back around the 25th-30th, depending on how long I stay here, they seem to want Nate and I to stay for at least a week. Their father is an exceptionally cool guy, very french, but he speaks fluent english. I really like it here, its just a bit cold. Were gonna go party on Saturday at le palace, huge building, for parties. Should be alot of fun. Talk to you all later!
I'm currently in Montreal, it's a beautiful city, it is quite cold here. Niagara falls was beautiful, you will see shortly. I've been livin in a van for the past three days, we've been parking in random parking lots and sleeping overnight, no one bothers us really. We're in the hostel Auberge de Jennesse de Montreal. So if you're all looking for a nice summer vacation, I have a van, and to spend a week in Montreal would only run you about 350 bucks, and thats going alone. With multiple people splitting gas prices it can drop dramatically. So, you should all definately think about taking a trip. Here's a few pictures..
I can't stress enough how much I miss you all, please call me sometime, 756-5437, or my home at 214-7304, call my home first, ask if I'm with nate, then call 756-5437
I think I'll be ready to scoot at the end of this month. I'll have about a thousand dollars, maybe more. Nate and I are going to great Canadia. I wanna see the huge forest and like, moose and wildlife and such. Not to mention all the amazing people I will meet. Hopefully I'll come a little closer to figuring out my calling, but perhaps it will take even more time than I thought. Who really knows these things. I'm excited, today is warm! I didn't wear a coat outside! Nice weather makes me happier, I can't wait to go camping and fishing and hiking.
I'm beginning to think I might have to meet new people to remain social. It seems that alot of old friends have disappeared, or just don't come around too often. Another road trip aught to do the trick.
I have work in two hours, its easy. I make action hoe's all day.
"Goes through motions to make action hoe"
It's imprinted in my brain!!
Considering I make 9.15 an hour for the first 3 days, thats 40 hours.
On the fourth I make 14 an hour, same for fifth, and sixth..
Thats 70 hours... And then on the seventh day, I make 20 dollars an hour, another 10.
I love the pixies. Truly and deeply. I think when your emotions are all in an uproar, like when you're in love or something like that, that your senses, like smell, taste, and sound, tend to imprint into your mind. Music reminds you of people, as does smell. There is really truly nothing much like a girls smell. A song can flood emotions into you simply because you heard it alot during one of these times.
It's crazy.
What a single song can do to you.
I'm feeling alot of love energy right now, I'm not really sure where it's coming from. It's kindof a love for everything. I feel really nice.
What if everyone thought about the same things I thought about? What would they act like? What sort of things would they decide? What good would it do? What harm would it do? What if I could influence people to do just that? How could I help the world? How could I change it? Would I change it for the better? How could I even begin to do this? I'm not saying everyone should think the same, I'm saying what if there was a way to keep individuality yet everyone could be happy with everyone else?
I use livejournal so I can get feedback on my thoughts, if I didn't want anyone to respond and add or critisize I would keep my thoughts locked away in some journal that would never be read. This very apparently isn't the case. Maybe I'll start an LJ group, I'm really not getting the kind of feedback I used to from the usuals.
Anyways, what now?
I feel like I know what it is like to have a very well to do state of mind, I'm happy, I feel mentally good. I never really experienced what it is like to be in a prime physical condition as well. It's not about looks, it's more about reinforcing my belief that I'll still be walking around when I'm one hundred plus. I need some free weights, and I need to stretch alot, and I need to go to some kind of martial art class. These are things I want to do. I wanna be able to touch my toes :).
I want to learn stuff about science, math, english. Strange huh? I miss being taught. We had it so easy in high school. Travel seems to be losing its appeal. I want to be a student again. I have all my life to be a student of life, whether I'm in a school learning there or somewhere far far away, I'm still experiencing life.
If there is one thing I've learned from travel, it is that it doesn't require a foreign land to experience life. To feel life is not such a hard thing to do once you learn how.
So I've decided I wanna be outta here by the end of next month. I feel so..... Idle. I wonder sometimes if mary j helps me achieve a state of mind where I take each day as it comes and feel like everything will work itself out. When I'm sober like this I think about what I'm going to do in the coming weeks. Is it clarity? I'm not sure. It's a double edged sword really. I'm not more happy when I'm high, I'm not less happy when I'm not. I just think differently. I've come to notice when mary j isn't around I think about things like, how much I need to work to get outta here, not in a bad way, but in a matter of fact sort of way.
I think to myself, well if I'm getting paid this and that for this and that amount of time I can be outta here on x day. I think I tend to look more at the bigger picture. When mary j comes around I have a different state of mind, a state of mind in which I realize I will need to work, and I might think about how much I'll make on payday but it goes no further than that.
It seems that time flows more steadily, and I focus more on my life as it is in the immediate sort of way. When I'm in this state of mind it seems that things like travel, will just happen when the time comes. I don't feel as if I have to plan anything out, as long as my intentions are in that direction, I will get there.
I've had plenty of time away from mary j as well as with her, and through my experience I've come to notice that both ways almost always achieve a similar result.
But all of a sudden I'm torn with which state of mind I like more. It's obvious that both are nice in their own right, do I really need to choose? Don't get me wrong, it isn't like I'm saying I'm a completely different person on one side or the other.
I can imagine when mary j isn't around I'm a much better programmer, not that I really do that anymore, hehe. I think my best advice to myself would be this: Don't strive for the state of mind mary j brings to me. Surely love it and use it for my benefit, but it is not always achievable, and shouldn't be relied on.
It's not bad without mary j around. Mary j aint around at the moment, look how clear my thoughts are, nice.
I'm gonna go play guitar and think about what we can all do to save the world.
I'm completely and utterly sick of listening to my parents supposed problems. Money this, money that. I don't want to be around it, and as soon as I can I'm leaving. I'm beginning to think that maybe my brother was one step ahead of me the whole time, maybe he's the one who has matured to a level 5 years ago that I just reached. He is always bitching, and at first I just saw it to be his problems. Now I realize that he is bitching for good reason, he's been bitching about their bitching. I see it now.
Don't get me wrong this isn't me becoming a troubled teenager who dislikes his parents, I'm above that, I'm just getting to the point where I'm a bit tired of listening to their problems.
I think my brother and I differ in how we deal with their issues. He is vocal, I just choose to ignore it and be oblivious, I'm not sure which is better. Being vocal won't change anything, nor will not saying anything, so what can anyone do?
Shrug, I'm going to continue being oblivious to the problems of the world, I like it that way.
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